Clarity

I have been thinkin a lot lately, I mean when you got one useable arm kinda helps to make sure that happens.

I mean all I do now feels like sit at home and do nothing, go for walks, and eat unnecesaary amounts of chicken, and rice. 

I feel egotistical when I say this but MAN I WAS SHREDDED! Gosh, Golly oh my!!! October Toad Sheesh that kid had it all! He had the Lean Body Tone, He had the Abs, Don't get me started on that BACK! Or nah, my personal favorite his quads and glutes. Like bro okay I know this sounds hella shitty and like the most fake blonde buzzcut kid ever but dude...In one day at the gym I had 4 chicks walk up to me. LIKEEE BROOOOO I WAS THE SHIT. Gollly man I am such an ass and the thing I am not going to be ever. (Me literally being a blonde buzzcut) Yeah no not at all. 

Hey at least I don't wear fake jewelry, and wifebeaters cause man that shit is _____. well cmon you know what word goes there.

hahahaha...nah in all seriousness though October was a very fun month, followed by a horrific November, and a very seldom December. It is funny how all the weird shit in my life happens in these months. Like going on four years straight now. 11th, 12th, 23, and now 24 weirdddddd. Nah last year was basically cause I just plain out messed up before the mish I never wanted to go on. 

Back to the script....

October was cool, date night every night with eyeliner, i had a proud physique, a gospel led- foundation, I removed all the toxic friends from High-School out of my life, wow my family life was finally a good on and I was Crushing all of my classes. Holy SHIT can it get any better?  I mean goals were set, I was going to Enlist, and head off in January, so like yeah it was all going uphillllll.......Crack.......Man that kid was a fatass who landed on my shoulder. Holy shittttt! If only I could catch a ball at 5 am in the morning! 

Jk. Anyways I do remember that night after it broke and going over to Ms eyeliners house, and she was so sad, and her mom even sadder, and I was like dang this is gonna suck. And well it has sucked since. Fast forward two weeks, and after a weekend of not talking I kinda figured it was gonna end, no harsh feelings. Much cleaner than the last breakup, gosh that poor first girl. Feel so bad for her and if I could I would shoot that mid-2023 toad to not let himself be such an ass Yeah I ain't ever turning into a holmes, or a kearns thats for damn sure. Holyyyy. The next day Trump gets elected, whoop di doo, I don't really care cause politics is kind of stupid, but I mean c'mon this is Toad we're talking about you think he would choose the one side? HELLL NOOOOO! Continuing on, Well classes started getting tough, and I ended up dropping all but two of my friends which was really only like three people anyways, but nah homie you are an ass and even though I've known you my whole life, I ain't tolerating that toxic shit anymore. The next day the one brotha went on a mission YAY HERF, so Little short bodybuilder and me are pretty much all I got. I kind of dropped physical activity cause man doing legs everyday at the gym was hella boring. It was funny though cause like man i dropped everyone, AGAIN! This round two same time as last year.

LOL...God is funny man, I sometimes question if he got me on the end of a leash so that I don't fall into another pile of shit. Anyways I kind of gave up on a lot of crap, I was sick of everything, man I am a chubster now. Like crazy how in two months time I had a rocking 8 pack to a barely visible 4 pack. Brownies be gettin me good. (that was the only reason eyeliner liked me) jk. anyways It got very frustrating, and even more difficult when I found out my entire life depends on my choices at the end of December. Like holy shit. This is the real deal. I either sign or don't. If i sign this mannnnnn I am locked, and I mean like 7 years! I could always do guard, and well I never know, but man that a commitment. I be thinking to do just normal flight school, or even just be a personal trainer. Meanwhile I am literally broken, can't work, can't exercise, and got an ex who I can't get off my mind. I found out today she thinks I hate her, and i mean makes sense I kind of removed her on everything, but like bro I don't hate you we cool at least I think we are. lol. Talk about a lonely life of solitude. I kind of am just thinking eh fuck it, like might aswell go through basic, eat shit for five months and get rained on with no sleep in missouri cause I got nothing else going for me, and then the other half of me is like nah bro RUN. Run start that cowboy rancher life brotha. Like what the fusssss. Finals also still got to do, and man I needa study cause I don't know shit. Yet we gonna get it done.

All I know is there was a reason for that breakup, there was a reason I felt I needed to drop everyone, there was a reason i broke my damn collarbone. Clavicle whatever the damn anatomical term is. Today I found that out. I found out when I went to church, which lowkey is kinda starting to annoy me but that alright, I prolly will steer off for a bit, and come back like always. Kinda helps when some of your old buddies are there, and you didn't realize it until why. I realized damn Toad you are so ambitious, so decisive, and so set in stone you made your mind up a year ago, and you haven't steered from it. 

I found myself when I had lost everything before, and realized that again. That breakup happened cause I am going to be gone in March, That toxic friendship was dropped cause I am going to be gone in March, That Collarbone broke cause I am going to be gone in March. I realized how many things I would have been doing for others. Happy to say I knew the answer all along, and it took me 12 months to find it. Thank gosh I did. It is very frustrating knowing now it is just a waiting game. I can't do a whole lot this month of December, but I can pray and hope that what I want can be laid out in front of me, and if it isn't I'll walk the path to whatever better one I find. 

So yeah, I may be that dumbass kid who signed off 7 years of his life, I may be that dumbass kid who would rather be covered in dirt when he comes home than have an aching back from sitting at a desk all day, and sure I may be that dumbass kid who wants to get married to some wildly crazy emo cowgirl, but man that sure is what I want. HOLY HELL THAT GIRL GON BE A DYNAMITE GAL. We also playing Nickelback at the wedding that is my only request hon, the rest you choose i seriously don't care cause man that night gon be coo. lollllllllll .....whoever you future emo cowgirl you are. Damn Bro show up already gosh. Or maybe shes some weird ass girl I met in like elementary already that would be wilddddd. who freakin knows. Watch it be like my friens sister, or better yet my ex's friend. lol that wilddddd. Damn life is fun. Anyways I sure have wanted that for a damn long time. I surely can wait a little bit more in order for that white dress and my dress blues to happen. 

Oh yeah little fooa told me that I guess Eyeliner thinks I hate her, If she reads this hopefully she knows I don't. I don't text anyone, I don't talk to anyone, I don't care to talk to anyone. I cut off everyone, and that may be taken out of context but like seriously we coo (Marry me fr) jk. If grungy reads this I hope she knows she's one hell of a gal, and I hope she knows I am always rooting for her. Even if I was one hell of a piece of shit while she knew me. If Squirt reads this hopefully she knows I don't hate her, I don't wish anything bad for her, and I hope she brings others to Christ while she's gone cause that's pretty damn neat! Also damn I'm friendly, like ya I ain't that much of a chump, I ain't gonna be doing any wild shit, but prolly shakin my hands like I always do. But any girl ive been close too knows that. Hope one day she forgives me, and one day she slap me across the face. Cause dayum bro I deserve it. 

December may be a thinkin game, but damn it brought some clarity now innut?  Nah fuck that british ending. Only worse one would be french. Clarity. BOOM! "Mic drop" Peace yall.